Fatherhood from a mother's perspective.

I've been watching a lot of the A&E show Intervention, and sort of psychoanalyzing as I watch. A lot of factors in the addicts' lives repeat. Almost all the addicted women were molested or raped, usually as children. A lot of them had absent or weak fathers, and try in their adult lives to make up for this by dating much older men. Of course, all I can think of when I watch this show is Téa. I've made Anthony re-watch a few episodes with me to warn him about how NOT to be a father.

One particularly disturbing episode featured a girl who couldn't swallow. She had a feeding tube put directly into her stomach as a teenager, because she just stopped eating. She said she experienced massive fear and panic when she put food in her mouth, because as a child she was forced to perform oral sex on a man. Really fascinating how trauma shows up in the body.

The father figure is a huge part of Lacanian theory. The symbolic father (which is not necessarily the biological father) is crucial in a child's psychological development. The symbolic father is whoever or whatever becomes the Name-of-the-Father metaphor, which disrupts the mother-child dyad. I've written about this dyad in other entries; the child desperately trying to be what the mother desires, and the mother sort of just letting that happen, maybe hoping that her desire can or will be fulfilled by the child (again, all this is unconscious).

"In French, 'Name' and 'No' are almost the same word (nom/non), and so 'Name of the Father' becomes 'No of the Father.' This 'no' is a prohibition-- no, you cannot become (the mother's desire). In order for the child to function in the symbolic register, of society's laws and symbols, the fantasy of becoming the complement to the mother's lack cannot be maintained."

The Name of the Father is Lacan's take on symbolic castration, which Freud wrote about. The result of this is the child coming into the symbolic register, which is basically the world of language and the laws of society, and becoming a "desiring subject." This is also the beginning of the unconscious, which is a whole other can of worms.

When the child becomes a subject of desire, she also takes on a structure-- one of three: neurotic, psychotic, and perverted. These are not psychopathological; everyone fits into one of these three structures. They have nothing to do with mental illness or pedophilia. "Structures are a way of organizing the subject's discourse, conscious and unconscious experiences, and the way one experiences one's own body" (quoted from my thesis).

I'll write more about the neurotic and psychotic structures at some point, because they are fascinating. The structures always struck me as the most interesting and disturbing part of Lacanian theory.

The law of the father must come through the mother. Sometimes the mother does not let the Name of the Father get through clearly, or at all. When the mother completely blocks the Name of the Father, the child ends up with a psychotic structure. When the mother lets it through but dismisses its importance, the child ends up in the perverted structure.

"The mother and child have a pact, essentially, that they are outside the law-- cultural prohibitions do not apply to them. The pervert knows what's right and wrong, but she does not live by these rules." (from my thesis, again)

A lot of the male addicts on Intervention really seemed like they must be in the perverted structure. They often lacked a father figure and were spoiled by their mothers. I always feared that if I had a son (this structure most often happens in boys), I would end up having this kind of "we're above the law" pact with him. Actually, when I had my big plans to write a novel last year (pre-Téa), I was going to write about a woman who gives birth to a son, and ends up with that kind of relationship with him.

Fathers are so important. I feared for a while about what kind of father Anthony would be. His own dad was abusive, absent when he should have been present, and only present in the most damaging ways. Anthony admitted to me the other day that he was afraid he'd end up being the kind of dad his father was. If that were to happen (I told him), I would do what his mother failed to do, and leave.

I think getting that fear off his chest was a relief for him, though, because lately he's been bonding with the baby much more than before. I think men find babies a little difficult because they are so mommy-centered, especially breastfeeding babies. Téa has become my heart and soul, and I wouldn't be surprised if Anthony's felt a little left out. But lately he's been playing with her, talking to her, dancing with her (which is adorable). He's taking his place as the third figure in our little Oedipal world.

Which is great for me, because finally I can take a shower or a nap without being interrupted by her where-did-mommy-go screams.