The elusive signifier

I dreamed that I was still caught in the repetition. I had broken up with Anthony to pursue an ex-boyfriend yet again, only to realize that I had made the wrong decision and I really did belong with Anthony. I tried to remember why I had broken up with him and couldn't-- I could only remember what good memories I had with Anthony and how miserable I was.

I woke up snuggled among Anthony and our daughter and a cat, and happily realized that I hadn't broken up with him, hadn't cheated on him. Bad dreams are so good at making you feel grateful for the status quo.

Why am I still dreaming of the repetition? Perhaps this blog is starting to trigger some disturbance, as I hoped it would. I'll have to listen hard to hear what my unconscious has to say.

The truth of the unconscious, the truth of desire, cannot be found in the traditional Freudian way, by delving into the past. The unconscious insists on being heard in the here and now--- through speech, through behaviors, in dreams and in bodily symptoms. The main way that the unconscious repeats itself is through signifiers, words or sounds that repeat in an individual's speech, which she cannot hear but which conceal an unconscious meaning. . . . Repetition is the manifestation of the unconscious, of the drive, and of desire. (Quoted from my senior thesis.)

I have let go of the repetition in my relationships. In the past I was constantly dumping one poor boyfriend for another, constantly looking for someone who was better for me.

Now that I'm married, I have given up the search. Even before we got married, even before my life was tied to him irrevocably through my pregnancy, being with Anthony felt different. I felt a sort of freedom from other men. I was still pursued by other men, but I felt nothing for them, instead of the ambivalence and curiosity I had always felt before. When someone asked me out, I felt amused instead of anxious. I felt calmer. I no longer felt like I was performing.

Something, though, still repeats. While I was pregnant, I had recurring dreams of Anthony abusing me, leaving me, or getting hurt himself. I called him often while he was out, always afraid he wouldn't get home safe. I still have recurring dreams about breaking up with him (but it's always out of my power; like I'm a victim of dumping him). My unconscious insists on being heard. What exactly is it saying?