True Love: Part I

In Swann's Way, Proust wrote of Swann's jealous love of Odette, triggered by her absence. He was completely uninterested in her until she was unexpectedly absent from where he wanted to meet her, and suddenly his love was insatiable. He wanted to know everything about her, her whereabouts every second; he needed to possess her completely. As I read the book, I recognized these jealous tendencies in myself, and it has repeated with my husband.

My roommate of the time introduced me to him. Before we even met I found his online journal, and began reading. After we met, I read the entire thing. I wanted to know everything about him. I needed to possess him just as Swann needed to possess Odette. It is an impossible desire. One wants not only to possess the other's body and self but their past, their time, their existence as a whole. Anthony lived a few hundred miles away, and while we were apart I was jealous of everyone that got to be near him. I held grudges against people who had wronged him before I had even met him. I fantasized about meeting him earlier in his life. I mourned the years we spent apart.

I have written about the hysterical neurotic and her need to keep desire unattainable. Anthony, by his own nature, kept himself at arm's length. He is very shy and incapable of understanding why someone would want to know everything about him. He refused to answer all my questions, and it tormented me. Of course, this made me even more hungry for the answers. He is still a closed book (without, however, being impossible to communicate with), and perhaps this is part of why our relationship works.

I have mentioned Lacan's sexuation theory, whereby the woman must choose between trying to be the man's object of fantasy, guessing at his desire and trying to emulate it; and accepting her aloneness and navigating desire in her own way. I met Anthony after several months of trying to do the latter.

I wrote a letter to my mother which I never sent, when I had ended a relationship with The Other Guy:

You and I are both navigating womanhood, Mom. You need Daddy, you depend on each other like old friends, but you pursue your own desire. I think you want me to do the same— to follow my own desires, to be independent, but also to have a man in my life, to not be alone.
And this is what I want too. Easier said than done! There are so many complications, Mom. I want to be what he desires. I want him to be what I desire. But he’s not. And I can’t stand to be exactly what he needs; I feel stifled. I want to be independent but not alone, desired and desiring, without depending on a man, but not lonely, either.
But the independent woman who follows her desire must acknowledge that she is alone, according to Lacan. It’s so painful and yet it rings true, Mom! I hope I can learn to navigate it like you do.

I wondered about how my mother was seemingly navigating her own desire, while still maintaining a close partnership with her husband, my father. Their lives have always been separate but together. They enjoy their own hobbies, most of which do not overlap. They are very different people, and yet they are in love. One does not possess the other; they are not bending over backwards to please each other. There is mutual respect. All my life I have been looking for this kind of relationship with a man, but I was too eager to become exactly what a man wanted, and too good at it. When I split up with That Guy, I made a firm effort to stop this bad habit.

Anthony did not make demands of me. He accepted me as is, allowed me to be myself and loved me. And I finally had the strength to be myself. We didn't have everything in common, and we didn't need to. Our senses of humor were compatible and we spoke the same language. I still marvel at how wonderful it is to say something and be understood. We talk to each other about our passions, which are completely different from each other. He supports me in doing what I want to do, and what fulfills me (example: this blog). Finally I have found a way to navigate my own desire with support and companionship, just as my mother has done.