The gaze

“I can feel myself under the gaze of someone whose eyes I do not see, not even discern. All that is necessary is for something to signify to me that there may be others there. This window, if it gets a bit dark, and if I have reasons for thinking that there is someone behind it, is straight-away a gaze." -- Jacques Lacan, Seminar I

I was thinking this morning about why I keep putting off the errands I should have done weeks ago.

It came to me: This city scares the hell out of me.

This is a fact that I'm quite ashamed of. When I first visited the city, I was overwhelmed and excited. I come from a tiny, rural town in Maine and had trouble navigating the tiny city of Portland. New York was unimaginably huge. My trips to New York were always accompanied by Anthony, however, and I never felt frightened with him around, even in the sketchier areas. Pre-Téa, I thought how amazing and exciting it would be to live in the city with Anthony, to be free to explore it as often as I wanted.

So now, here I am, and I really don't get out and explore the city. Three things hold me back.

1. It's !#&@ing cold. And, worse, it's windy. I can't really blame myself for not going out when it's eye-wateringly cold out.

2. Téa. Both for the above reason (she's about as big a fan of the cold as I am), and because taking a baby out into the world is a hassle. I either have to wear her (and she's getting quite heavy) or bring her stroller, which is tough for one person to handle on the trains (stairs, nuff said). Plus her diaper back must accompany on any long trips, and I've got to plan around when she nurses. I'm not the biggest fan of nursing in public, although I do it if need be.

3. I'm scared. I was trying to figure out why exactly that is.

Am I afraid of getting lost? No, I pretty much know how to get from A to B, and Anthony's only a phone call away if I lose my way.

Am I shy around people? Yes, but that doesn't really deter me. Whatever clerks/bus drivers/etc people I've had to deal with have been, for the most part, extremely nice. And though I'll occasionally encounter a heavy accent that I have to decode, which I find really embarrassing (Hey, I grew up in Maine, remember? No foreign accents), communicating with people isn't really that bad. Plus, I always have a baby attached to me, and people love her.

It hit me, finally. What frightens me about this city is the gaze.

I constantly feel like someone is watching me in this city. Walking down the street, getting on the bus or train, walking into stores-- there are people everywhere, and I feel like they are all looking at me. This was not so much a problem in Maine or Massachusetts, because there were much fewer people, and I just drove everywhere. In a car, you're all alone and most of the time no one can see you. You're free to sing along to music, curse at other drivers, etc. Here in New York, I feel exposed.

It doesn't help that I'm extremely conspicuous. Strawberry blondes with blindingly white skin are not common here. So to some extent I'm really not being paranoid; people DO look at me. Even in our Polish neighborhood, I stand out.

But I am being paranoid. I feel like the eyes watching me know that I'm not from around here, that I'm sort of fumbling my way around New York and I don't fit in. Like they've caught me at something. Like I don't belong here.

So much for being adventurous. This fear is really debilitating. However, I do have an errand today. We'll see if that gets done.